Life up in the air

Life was going surprisingly well – the anti-depressants have kept me stable and I have been enjoying life. That was until I decided to throw everything up in the air…

They say that the 3 most stressful things in life are relationships, moving house and changing job, so I went for all three. I got headhunted for a role in the North – big job change, big move. I also dabbled in a relationship that I shouldn't have…

To cut a long story short, my CV and Interview were exceptional, but I lacked experience. So looks like I am staying as a southerner. 2 stressful things down, one more to go…

His name is Peter, we met through a friend, and it was practically love at first sight. Well, not love, but there were sparks. We spent a copious amount of time together, rushed through the first stages of a relationship in the space of 10 days. Why the hurry? His girlfriend was flying in from the states. Yes – he is having a relationship with a girl on the other side of the world. 3 years they have been together – it must be something pretty special to endure the time and distance. I should point out that he is not the Mark Darcy I referred to in my last blog - that was delusional and border line ridiculous!

I want to talk about him and all the reasons why I like him, and all the lovely times we have spent together, and all the nice things he has said, but the bottom line is that he has a girlfriend, and there is nothing I can do.

I fear that if I dwell on what could have been, that I may go back to that dark and horrible place I was in before. What will be will be, and if he likes me enough (and all the signs are there) then it will happen. But I cannot and will not have my heart broken again or be in a part time relationship. I deserve better than that.

I have stupidly worn my heart on my sleeve with him, which I am now beginning to regret. I should have kept my thoughts and feelings to myself, but as you have seen from this blog, I am poor at doing that. I shall just have to keep him at arm’s length, be his friend, and anything else will be a bonus.

The next hurdle I have is going to get tested again. It puts my bad choice in men into perspective (not that Peter is bad, but he is spoken for). Again I shall be facing this trauma alone, the test, the waiting, the result. Fingers crossed that all is well, but I have a sinking feeling of bad news ahead, and I just pray that this is not it.