Scared of the dark

I had not suffered nightmares in years, not since the day he attacked me. From the day that it happened, my mind would shut itself down at night, too scared of the dark to let me awake, too tired of my muddled thoughts to let me dream. I was a prisoner of my own sleep.

In September 2005 I was attacked by a colleague whilst at work. We'd had a role reversal - I had gone from being his employer to me being his, and he certainly did not like a woman in power. I was in work early, climbing the 3 flights to my office when he grabbed me by the wrists and tried to push me down the stairs. I don't know what provoked him, and he said it was a warning to be good and keep my mouth shut. I broke free before the fatal push and staggered down the stairs, running for safety.

He was escorted from the premises, but remarkably the CCTV had been wiped. He was one of two people that had access to it. 7 months on, he faced an internal disciplinary hearing and was paid off £9,000 to go quietly. I'd had months of counseling, but seeing him in that room left me petrified for years to come.

It is only in the last 18 months that I have let men near me again. Chris, Nathan and Robin, all of whom are now gone from my life, had no idea about the man that had left me so scarred. In fact, very few people in my life know what really happened - they only have an inclining because they have picked up that I fear the dark, have a nervous disposition and freak out when someone grabs my wrist.

In recent months, I seem to have got my confidence back a little. Finally trusting a man, combating my insomnia and getting a tattoo on my wrist to mark that once again, I am normal. Well, at least, that is was I thought...

It was my 4th night with Peter. For the first time in nearly 5 years, i was able to sleep with the window open, something I had been too scared to do. He'd told me that on previous nights I had been restless, talking in my sleep, fidgeting, and even snoring before waking myself up with the noise. I was horrified at myself - previous partners had always said how peaceful I was when I was sleeping.

I had three nightmares that night - the first, my recurring nightmare, which takes place at the bottom of my childhood garden, in which my father is brutally murdered. The second, I awoke with immense pain in my wrists - in my dream I had cut them because I could not take life anymore. My final dream was of me taking a pill and having a miscarriage - I awoke from this dream to the sound of the life support machine and doctors trying to save me - I fell out of bed in surprise.

Since then I have had nightmares most nights. My childhood dream has evolved to take place in my existing garden, and the murder happens to me this time. I have spent one more night with Peter since the night of nightmares. I apparently ground my teeth a lot, and kept asking him about a wire, for which I have no recollection. I have since had two dreams in which my attacker from 5 years ago binds my hands and feet with wires, slowly and painfully they cut me, before he puts a final wire around my neck. Perhaps this is in someway related.

Peter seems to think all this endearing, but he does not realise what happened in the dreams or what it all means. He is patient and kind, and doesn't seem to mind that I keep him awake half the night. The reality of it is that I have only known him a month and yet subconsciously I trust him enough to fall asleep and let my mind wonder.

Peter is hundreds of miles away, with the love of his life. I am once again alone, sleeping with a light on and with the window closed in the stifling heat. At 26 I should perhaps be ashamed that I am scared of the dark, but I am sure that many others are too; those that have been exposed to such awful situations as I have - its just that being afraid of darkness is a taboo.