Confessions of a 25 year old

"It has been 2 weeks and 5 days since my last confession...." I'm not a catholic and have never confessed my sins, but sometimes writing this blog leaves me feeling cleansed of the pent up feelings I keep so close to my heart. You see - if I can write it, or text it, or e-mail it, I can say it without any hesitation. In person, I stumble, I stutter and I never say the right thing, or what was intended.

It has admittedly been a while since the last post - I had been getting to know Nathan and I was questioning the relationship potential. Insecurities were beginning to creep in and I was biding my time waiting for him to run away after discovering my many faults. Things actually haven't changed all that much since then.

I'd like to tell you that things had moved on - that he was falling for me, that the insecurities have disappeared, that we were in those early stages of love where you cannot bare to spend time apart and the world is suddenly a more beautiful place.

Don't get me wrong - we have had a couple of those beautiful moments. Those moments that give you goosebumps and your heart feels like its melting and you feel invisible sparks flying. I think he may have felt them too, or at least, I hope so - he doesn't give much away...

Nathan also had a birthday - I spent many sleepy evenings painting abstract freezes of his beloved Rugby team for his bedroom wall. He seemed to like them. And he also met my friends - I threw a dinner party for my nearest and dearest, and they all got on so well - Ellie, Joey, Rhi and Maddie got horrendously sozzled, but they were completely themselves and Nathan seemed to love them as much as they loved him. The general consensus was he was a massive improvement on Chris. We all had breakfast together (which Nathan cooked) and first the first time ever I saw a man being part of not just me but my friendship circle too.

But (yes, there is always a "but") I feel even more detached from him than ever. I just can't work him out - I can't get him to open up and I cant get in his head. He implies things but he doesn't tell me how he feels and it driving me crazy, because as always, I am wearing my heart on my sleeve, and leaving myself exposed to the hurt that relationship inevitably cause.