Getting to know Nathan

He is wonderful, he really is. We have stuff in common and we have our differences too. He has his life and I still have mine. And that what makes a relationship work right?

In previous relationships (and there has not been that many) I've wanted that feeling of "us" not them and me. I've wanted our lives to be as one, integrated, and maybe even complete. With Nathan it is not like that. Maybe that's because he is still keeping me at arms length and doesn't let me into his heart, or maybe its because he has already had the experience of being complete.

You see, I fall in love as quickly as I can fall out of it - general I end the relationship because I know when there is no future - but it doesn't mean you can't love them just because you can't see it lasting til "death do us part".

Nathan got there once. A few years back now. It never made it to the big day, but he made that commitment to someone. I know its only been a couple of months of knowing each other, and believe me - I don't lay awake at night wondering if he is the one, but I do think about if I can see a future with him.

In an earlier posting, I said that my definition of love was knowing the worst things about someone and it being OK. He asked me what annoyed me about him - the only thing I could think of was that he was unable to commit to spending time with me. He took it pretty personally, which was not my intention - just wanted him to know that I had this overwhelming feeling of always being second best - but as always, when I say things, they come out all wrong... even when I know he doesn't mean to do it.

It really is OK that he puts others before me - he is the most loving, caring person, and I know deep down that I am not second best, he just has to share the love around much more than I do.

I cannot help that I am a complete romanticist; sparks do fly whenever we see each other - but I cannot help feeling a slight frustration - whether that is that he doesn't commit time to me, or whether it be that he doesn't open up to me and tells me how he feels. Or even that we never actually spend much quality time together - I can't put my finger on what it is - this is not a list of faults or issues, just observations of what has actually been a short time.

My point is that I think that maybe, just maybe, I might be falling for him; despite my insecurities, despite these minor details, despite that we have many more challenges ahead of us, I really like Nathan. Who knew that internet dating could inspire such feelings?