Time for some home truths

I remember the sleepy morning that Chris* told me he had kept a blog about his online escapades with women he met online. We were lay in bed on a Sunday morning, neither of us quick to be out of the comfort of his warm, comfy bed.

At first I was horrified, wondering what awful things he had written about me; only to discover we all had code names and it really wasn't so bad. I say "we" rather than I, as I feel a sense of sisterhood for those other women who had succumbed to his charm and wit, as had I.

After we had split, I trawled the Internet, searching for his blog, hoping for some kind of reason as to why it had happened. I convinced myself that there was more to it than the fact he was a complete commitment-phobe, but I only found 1 post that I had not already read. It was written just a couple of weeks into the relationship, where he criticised me. I cried. How can anybody be so inconsiderate and nasty about their girlfriend? After that I gave up - I knew he had deleted his original blog and I didn't want to be hurt any more.

That was, until tonight. Without even looking, I stumble across his new blog. Do I read it? I know that it is going to have things that I don't like in it, even some home truths. Do I want that same feeling that brought on a weekend of depression, self loathing and humiliation?

Yes. I do. I want to read every word that idiot has to say about me.

20 minutes pass. I am still not crying. A bit annoyed perhaps, but no feeling of anger or upset. There are 9 new posts, 7 new women, and 1 comment from his friend Ben. All in all, the odd mention I get is more of a reference - nothing harsh, (apart from the bit where he thinks that I believe he will get back with me - not true!) No doubt that at some point he may turn bitter, or reference me in a negative way (he never did like curvy girls so f**k knows what he was doing with me).

In some respects I think I feel a little guilty. I haven't exactly been nice about him on this blog, and maybe a little to harsh at times. But he did mess me around and he did dump me...

What concerns me though, is that if I can find his new blog so easily, he could be reading this? Well, I guess its too late for worrying now, and I was stupid enough to use his URL.

I actually feel relieved. I have read his blog and I can live with it. I feel that in some small way, this is the closure I needed. Another chapter officially done and dusted. Here's hoping for a happy ending in the next.