coming back to life

This blog was on hiatus for the last 6 months. It had stopped being a place to pour my heart out, and had become a place of self destruction. I published offline for a couple of months, but the posts became darker and I became weaker. The last couple of weeks I have finally been back on the straight and narrow, that was, until today, and hence why I have decided to bring this blog back to life.

Today, I got the results back from my follow up smear. I've been checking the post box three times a day for the last 10 days, waiting eagerly for a result. The test itself was a walk in the park compared to the pain of diathermy. Getting half naked in front of the nurse felt normal. I sat on the sofa staring at it for 5 minutes; it wasn't until a tear rolled down my cheek that I realised how much I had been worrying for the last 6 months. I opened it. The word normal jumped out, and it surprisingly didn't have "ab" in front of it. The relief was overwhelming. I cried some more. I wished that I wasn't so emotional, but when your life is in your hands in an NHS envelope you can't help but feel a little overwhelmed. I have to go for another test in 6 months, but I guess that beats cancer.

I cannot begin to tell you how much has happened in the last 6 months. For a start, i turned 26. In a nutshell, Nathan did not officially leave my life until the 30th December of last year. I went from living with 3 people to living a very dark and lonely life. I suffered what I now know as mental health issues, but at the time, felt like I was going crazy. I thought at one point I would become homeless, but now know that at the end of February, I shall be moving to pastures new. I got that promotion at work, but that did not come with out a dreadful roller coaster of emotions. I'm still desperately single, but somehow I am completely comfortable with this. Oh, and someone saved my life.

So its been eventful, but too much to try and explain in one post. Today is the first day I have felt emotionally unsettled in 37 days, so I am not going to pour my heart out today, but I can say its good to be back, and I hope you will still follow.