Get it all out

As I lay in the bath my mothers words hit me. "Darling you seemed so depressed and fed up. What is it?" I was at Robs when I took the call yesterday. She was wittering on about some pub she had been to and talking about the family. sometimes I just like to sit and listen - I enjoy my mums random monologues and the view of Rob on the sofa opposite me as we lazed around on a Sunday afternoon was comforting. I hadn't realised that my tone had seemed sad. She had asked me if Rob and I had talked about my move and the new job and where all my worldly possessions were going to live. I knew I couldn't possibly have that conversation with him yet. It was only today when she called, knowing I would be home alone, that I realised for the first time that my world was about to be turned completely upside-down and I was shit scared.

Rob and I have been together nearly a year. We've been to 5 weddings, various weekends away and a holiday to Sicily. I love him and he loves me. Its not perfect, I know I do things that bother him and he does things that bother me, but we love each other, and that's enough, right?

I didn't chase my dream job 8 months ago, but when another opportunity came up closer to home, I had to take it. It was a long shot, but somehow it happened and in less than two months time I will be starting the second job of my career. Rob bought a place nearly 5 months ago, but he doesn't want me to move in. It breaks my heart, so I'm moving to the city where my new career awaits. Moving house again depresses me beyond belief, and the financial worry is suffocating Its only 25 mins away on the train, but I know the distance is going to put pressure on our relationship. 

As I lay in the bath, distant memories come flooding back. New job. House move. Financial problems. Insecure in my relationship. Do these things ever get any easier? I fight back the tears. My back hurts; I know the tension that is following me around sits between every disk in my back. I wish I could talk to Rob, but I can't; I'm too scared that my honesty will be misinterpreted and he has no idea how scared I am or how worried about my poor financial position and how the hell I'm going to afford moving house. I thought having a boyfriend was about sharing the hard times, but I just don't think Rob and I are ready for it yet.

Writing on here has always been my outpost, a place to be honest, where the tears can roll and I am not judged or misread. Where others can take comfort that even the most confident of women, like me, have a good rant and a cry every now and then. I stopped blogging because I thought I didn't need it, that I was lucky enough to have a roof over my head, a boyfriend who loved me, a job, success. But even the strongest of women need to get it all out, me included.

Wedding Bells and the L word

There's something about a wedding that gets everyone feeling romantic. The idea that two people cannot imagine life without it each other that they commit themselves to the other for the rest of their lives. That they are so in love that they want to say "I do".

For most women (but not all), your wedding day is the day you dream about all your life. As a girl its about the fairytale dress and prince charming. As a woman its about being in love and the security of having someone to share everything with for the rest of your life. For me, your wedding day is about celebrating your future with all your loved ones; the start of a new life with someone that you cannot be without.

Rob and I have 6 weddings to attend this year. Most importantly for me, its my sister that is get married. I'm doing a reading at the wedding, and looking through the thousands of verses I can choose from, I'm feeling like a desperate romantic.

You see, I look at the people around me and their views on marriage. I have a friend who fundamentally disagrees with it, she doesn't see the point. I have another friend who has recently tied the knot because of the legal implications as its not readily accepted in the UK that people that cohabit without marriage for their entire lives have no legal tie to their partner. I have another that owns a house with her other half and has made it more than clear that she wants to marry - 6 years on and he is still a commitment-phobe. It is not my place to judge these people - in modern day society, marriage is ultimately not what it used to be. For me, I am completely clear in my mind as to what I want and how it should work. Admittedly the goal posts have changed over the years as I've got older, but I never imagined not being married by 30- which is unlikely now!

Looking at all these vows I couldn't help but think about me and Rob. We are in our 5th month of dating. He makes my heart melt a hundred times a day, and I cannot imagine my life without him. He was away last week, and I made the mistake of pushing him on his feelings. It wasn't without reason - I saw my dream job come up and was half tempted to apply, but I needed to know how he felt, because if we were as serious as I thought we were, then I had to stay here and follow my heart instead of my career. To cut a long story short, I had misread the signs. He isn't in love with me. I can't even begin to tell you how much that hurt and promptly regretted that I had said anything.

I've potentially done more damage in hinting at him loving me than I initially imagined. How is he ever going to say it to me now? I've probably put pressure on him and I can't get my head around that I had clearly been so badly mistaken in how he feels about me. The thing is, I'm all out- there is nothing more I can do to make him fall in love with me, so I guess its just time. Him not loving me has made me feel more insecure than ever and rather than being excited about the future I'm scared. Its amazing how a couple of texts can turn your world up-side-down in a matter of seconds. I am helpless in changing what is done, and I can't make him love me, so for now, time will have to tell.

Surround yourself with good people

Its been a month since my last blog. For the first time ever there are things that I cant even write about. I've cried more in the last month than I have in the entire time since I beat the depression. Its been a really tough few weeks, I've been at my wits end, I've been in shock, and I've had sleepless nights. I've worried about things, and bordered on being paranoid. But, the depression hasn't come back; I couldn't let it.

It is a week till Christmas, and I feel good. Surrounding yourself with good people, remembering to enjoy yourself, and leaving work at the office were the things I had to learn to survive depression, and I've been conscious to do all these things. I've had some brilliant times too over the last few weeks, and as always, i have realised how important my friends and family are. I'm excited to be spending lots of time with the people I love over the next few weeks - my family, my friends, and of course, Rob...

We've been together over 3 months; the honeymoon is definitely over, but I am fine with it. Its nice to be in a normal relationship where things just happen. The pressure seems to be gone, and we're planning ahead. He is brilliant with my family and friends, and we'll be spending time at each others parents houses over the festive period. I guess this is the final big test - time with each others families, and a trip to see my university friends. If we can survive those, then we can survive anything.

We're having "our" Christmas on Wednesday. I'm nervous: what if he doesn't like the presents I got him? What if I haven't spent enough/too much? What if I've got it fundamentally wrong? I know he wouldn't say anything even if I did get it wrong - he is sweet like that.

I know you are probably wondering if we're in love yet. The honest answer is I don't know. He hasn't said he loves me yet, I don't think he is ready to. I've nearly said it several times but managed to stop myself - i can't be the first to say it. I've made that mistake before and I've completely misread the relationship and been hurt. There is no hurry, and he'll say it, when and if he is ready.

I'm excited about the week ahead - lots of christmassy fun times and being continuously surrounded by great people. More importantly, I'm excited about 2012. I think it might just be my year.

Falling

The night before flying I felt panicked, nervous and my heart was racing. I'd not suffered a panic attack in years, but the stress of going away really got to me. Rob was amazing - calm, organised and can think of everything. He helped me pack and then took me for a curry. The next morning he took me to the airport. Like me, he prefers to be early. We had coffee and hugging him before I went through security nearly brought a tear to my eye. He would have hated it if I'd cried, but the only way I could describe the emotion was it felt like I was never going to see him again.

Being in the departure lounge and the 8 hour flight left me with too much thinking time. My heart was aching in a way that I couldn't explain; it was a long way from home and a long time before I would see him. We had had sex that morning for the first time in a while and it didn't just feel like "pleasure" sex, it was emotive and brought a new feeling that I couldn't put my finger on.

On arrival at the hotel, I was sent to a room far from the rest of my group - on entering the room i realised I had been upgraded, and on the table was a huge bunch of autumnal flowers. They were beautiful. I had to call him - i knew it was late because of the time difference but my heart literally melted when I spoke to him. It was brief - I thanked him for the room and flowers, for keeping me together the night before and for getting me to the airport. He said he missed me and we said goodnight.

And then it dawned on me. The look in his eyes while we had sex, the kiss he gave me before I went through to departures, the amazingly thoughtful and sweet surprise at the hotel after a very long day, the time to collect my thoughts on the flight. It all fell into place and I realised all those funny feelings were me falling in love with Rob.

The week was long and tough and challenging, I missed Rob more than words could express and I couldn't wait to get home and tell him how I felt; to kiss him and show him that I saw a future with him and it was bloody good.

I arrived at T5. I wasn't sure how it was going to be - I knew I looked tired and rough, but in my head I had hoped for the movie-style romantic run and passionate kiss scenario. I came through the gate and I couldn't see him. I said goodbye to my colleagues and called him, only to see him standing there grinning with two cups from the coffee shop. It could not have been more perfect. He looked beautiful- I know that's not a masculine word but handsome just doesn't cut it.

Rob had planned a lovely relaxing day to help put me back on UK time and it gave me some me time too. We went home first so I could shower and as soon as I walked back in the room he had me in bed and we had the most amazing passionate sex. That look was in his eyes and I though the might tell me he loved me, but he didn't. I had decided on the flight back that I couldn't be the first to say it. I couldn't bare the thought of me telling him i loved him and him not being able to say it back, or worse still, him saying "I love you too" and not actually meaning it.

As the day went on, my jet-lag was making me grouchy and I knew I wasn't making sense. Rob came back in the evening, but the tiredness was making me paranoid and insecure. I needed the reassurance that he still thought the world of me, that he still fancied me, that he had missed me. He'd said it all in texts, but i needed it from him. When I tried to talk to him about it i think he thought I was just delusional, and he seemed frustrated that I need him to say it.

3 years ago to the day this blog started with a guy called Dave. He dumped me 2 days before my birthday, having just met my family. He had told me several times that he had loved me, which made it even more painful when he suddenly walked out of my life. Being with Rob has made me realise what a horrible guy he was, and that I definitely was not in love with him, it was just lust.

I stupidly arranged to meet for Sunday dinner with my parents today. Rob had briefly met my mum, but this was both my parents. It made me panic and brought a stark reminder of what happened 3 years ago. As we were leaving I wanted to cancel it - go on my own. The panic was unbearable, but I couldn't do it to Rob- I cared too much about him and he wouldn't have understood why. So I had to just go with it, but I did ask him to promise me he wouldn't dump me next week. He promised, and I trust him.

It went so well - my parents thought he was wonderful: confident, funny, and would fit in well with our family. They loved him for what he had done for me in the states, and my mum said that my dad said he had not seen me so happy for many years. I felt so proud of Rob and he seemed to genuinely enjoy himself. I fell for him a little bit more, and I just hope that he is falling for me too.

Hormones

6 weeks ago I took a trip to the family-planning clinic. That was my first annoyance: Why call it family planning? Rob and I have only been dating a couple of months and I am dam sure he’d run a mile if I told him I went there as appose to “the doctors surgery”. As a nearly 28 year old, the nurse looked at me as if I was crazy when I started quizzing her on my options for contraceptives.

I haven’t had to worry since I was 21 – none of my relationships have been serious enough or trusting enough to consider using anything but condoms. So much has changed since then! I was put on the combined pill at 14 to help with long and painful periods, and stayed on it for seven years.

The nurse clearly decided to treat me as if I were a 16 year old with her first boyfriend, and went through a massive long leaflet talking me through each option. Implants, injections, coils, pills, rings, caps – the list was endless! Contraception should never be a taboo, but I couldn’t help but feel that for many women, of any age, this could be awkward.

The combined pill, the easiest of all the contraceptives, was not an option for me for various reasons (you smoke, you’re overweight, blah blah blah) so I knew it wasn’t going to be straight forward. Most of the other options open to me involved progesterone only hormones, which can lead to terrible side effects. I didn’t want anything permanent, so opted for a pill which I take every day (no gaps). The side effect list was endless: Irregular periods, painful breasts, lack of sex-drive, weight gain, mood swings. Go online and you read horror stories of women having continuous periods for months on end, gaining two stone and having no sex drive.

Rob and I (at that point) were in the early stages and I knew it was a gamble – a fat, miserable girlfriend that you couldn’t have sex with was not an option! He was incredibly supportive, but I knew for this to work I had to tell him the bare minimum.

I’ve been lucky – my periods so far have been regular. But I know my moods are all over the place, with paranoia, tearfulness and feeling very insecure topping the list of my emotions. I’ve had several pains in my abdomen at random points and sometimes my breasts are really tender. I’ve actually lost weight (hurrah!) but I have to admit that my sex drive has definitely declined. When I am with Rob I want to be with him, but I’ve definitely lost my feistiness and I am certainly not as adventurous. He doesn’t seem to mind, and if he does, he hides it well.

I’m nearly a month into it, and so far, it really is ok. Just hope that with time my emotions settle down, and for Rob’s sake, my sex drive bounces back.

Lust, love and the bit inbetween

Rob and I have been seeing each other for just over 6 weeks. It's still going well and we're making plans for the months ahead. We see each other when we can, and when we are together it's great. Both of us have busy lives, particularly when it comes to work- both of us have several work trips ahead. He's just been away for 5 days abroad and I barely survived - the insecurities kicked in and my mind started to wonder. I couldn't have asked more of him, he texted, he called, he said the right things. But without seeing that person, how do you still know that the chemistry is there?

The absence of him got me thinking about our relationship. We've definitely done the lust bit - where its all passion and romance and hot sex. We are not in love (yet) - we haven't spent enough time together and he doesn't know my faults and I am yet to find his. When I tell him I love him I want to really really mean it. I can certainly picture myself with him 6 months down the line, but its just too soon to work out if "he's the one".

I'm not saying the lust has gone, but its certainly died down - not in a bad way - but its inevitable once you've been seeing someone a while. You have to keep things fresh and start making more of an effort to keep them excited about you. I don't want things to fizzle out with Rob, and the time we have together is precious at the moment, so I'm keen to find new ways of keeping him keen too - and so lies a new challenge ahead.

To end, I found this little gem on "what is love". I'd never looked at it in this way, but I think it sums up the difference between love and lust quite nicely. Enjoy.

"Love is all about the little things. When you are really, truly, in love, you don't feel the need to dress up for them. The most important thing is being with them. Butterflies are not usually present in love. You should not feel nervous when you really love someone. Love means you connect with them spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally. And love means differences, disagreements, and arguing (but not fighting) because who wants to be with someone who is the same as they are? You feel refreshed when you are with them, but not necessarily weak when you are away from them. If you think about them all the time, always, it is probably lust or infatuation, not love".

Moving too fast?

At some point, society gave women one set of rules regarding the start of relationships and men another. Rob and I had 10 dates in quick succession - I couldn't help but feel like things were moving too fast, but i couldn't bare to spend time with out him.

We slept together on date 4. I tried desperately to not fall under his spell and wait, but the chemistry was too much and when he said that he wanted to spend the night with me I couldn't resist. It wasn't as crude as "lets have sex". It was "I want to get to know you", "I want to fall asleep with you" and "I want to wake up with you". He was passionate, considerate and it wasn't awkward. He was unbelievably sexy and confident and it felt intimate. Waking up with Rob was the best feeling - opening my eyes and seeing his gorgeous face and cuddling into him felt amazing.

Just over two weeks after our first date, we became a couple. Girlfriend and Boyfriend. Everything was going perfectly and we were already starting to plan ahead. It made sense and it felt right.

But is this all too fast? I've not properly been in a relationship since the last one ended and this blog was created as a result. For a woman, she wants to just settle down; for a man, he takes it all in his stride. Sex is just sex to him, but for a woman its a quite often something more. Women want the security of the title "girlfriend", men don't wan the commitment. If you google "when should you become Boyfriend/Girlfriend" or "What date should you first have sex" then there are a million answers to chose from.

I think talking about relationships in this sense is a taboo - but for men only. I've noticed that with Rob he is very closed- he's not told many people, and if he does, its generally when he is seeing them in person. For me, all of my close friends, family and colleagues know. Its been nearly a month since our first date, and we've been talking for 7 weeks. He has told people we met in a coffee shop, I've been open and told people we met online, I have no shame in that. Even my parents know!

What I am sure is, that in starting a new relationship, approach with caution. Find out how open your new other-half is - its ok to talk about your feelings and show some vulnerability, but don't rush in. I feel I've learnt a huge amount in the last three years since I broke up with Chris. It is not a taboo to be open and honest about what you want and where you see a relationship going, but make sure that the conversation is not a taboo for the other, it will end in tears.

First date

A couple of days after seeing Kas, I went on a date. I had been talking to Rob_31 for a few weeks before I went away, and was touched when I logged in after my holiday to see a really cute message from him. The thing with online dating is conversation can dry up quickly, but that wasn't the case with Rob. As a result I decided to play the long game, and 3 weeks after we had first started chatting, we went on a date.

We met outside of a pub and as soon as I saw him I thought he was gorgeous, and he confidently gave me a kiss and took me to the bar. Although I felt a little nervous, I didn't feel awkward. We found a table and the conversation flowed - he was flirty and handsome and funny - I couldn't believe my luck.

He then bought me dinner (I know, impressive for a first date) and we had a few more drinks. All I could think was "If he wasn't interested, he would have been long gone!" And then he kissed me. I'm not one for any sort of public displays of affection, but this was thigh-tingling good. He even walked me home.

Normally, I would be screaming from the roof tops that I had met an awesome man, but there was something about Rob and our first date that made me think, feel and act differently. There was no question from the first date that there was chemistry, we had things in common, we could make each other laugh. He was a gentleman, warm and considerate. I couldn't find fault on the first date - which is unusual for me. I slept that night with a grin on my face and my fingers and toes crossed for a second date...

Expressing your emotions is OK

I'm conscious that I've been talking a lot about sex. In my life, sex is not a taboo, but the feelings surrounding it are often left unsaid.

Kas messaged me the day after we slept together. He reiterated that it was never going to be anything more than just friends with benefits, and it got me thinking "what is so wrong with me that it'll never be anything more?"

It left me feeling awful. The insecurities started creeping in, and it left me with that feeling that I was going to spend the rest of my life on my own. I don't think that depression ever really leaves you once you have suffered. It lets your mind wander and think the worst, and if you are not careful, the feeling stays.

I knew that I had to block Kas from my mind- it was 3 weeks before I would see him again, and it wasn't healthy to think in the way that I was. I don't want this to sound like I am blaming him, its my own insecurities that make me feel this way.

The problem is in fact, bigger than Kas, bigger than me even. Its about the way that women feel, how they react. Men seem to lack understanding that women feel differently to men - its not that they don't already know this, they just chose to ignore it. Women's emotions are fragile, they need reassurance, confidence, understanding. They need to talk about whats going on, how they feel. It appears to me that men actually don't need this -they just go with whatever is happening, and somehow block out their feelings. Occasionally they may say the right things, or make the grand gesture that you've always hoped for, but actually, what women need is consistency.

Whats more, men don't seem to comprehend that there is nothing wrong with showing how you feel. I've never understood why men bottle up when you are trying to tell them how you feel, or why they don't know what do do when you cry. Are emotional women so bad that your human instinct to give someone a hug flies out of the window?

For too long in society, women have been put down as these fragile emotional beings, but actually, the most fragile are the strongest. I am fortunate enough to know many strong women who I admire - but I also know them well enough to understand that underneath the powerful, confident fronts that quite often there is a broken woman underneath. I find it heartbreaking that to be respected you have to hide these emotions.

I understand that there is a time and a place, but I firmly believe that emotions and feelings are there to be expressed. I am not saying we should be running around telling every man or woman that we date that we are in love with them, but that we should feel free, and not scared, to tell them that we have strong feelings for them, or that we are excited about where a relationship is going, or in some cases, not.

Does confidence equal good sex?

There is something about being on holiday and walking around semi-naked the whole time that makes you think about sex...a lot. I managed to refrain from texting Kas until the the Wednesday, and the cocktails reminded me to check in with him. We arranged to meet on the Sunday evening.

Being on holiday with 5 beautiful people when you're a curvy girl isn't easy. The second night i stayed up drinking with the girls. We talked for 3 hrs constantly and got through four bottles of wine. At one point I broke down - despite my apparent confidence, inside of me I wanted to be someone different. Thinner, smaller, more intelligent, less gobby. A non smoker. More reserved.

Despite my hangover, I got up at 7.30 am and did 100 lengths of the pool (to be fair, it was only 8m long). I then did 50 sit-ups and used water bottles as weights. All i could think about was how I wanted a man to desire me, and that the only way for that to happen was for me to change.

The rest of the holiday followed a similar pattern, and despite the copious amounts of alcohol and food, I was feeling thinner and more confident in just 5 days. The final night we were sat in a swanky restaurant and one of the girls was describing one of her work colleagues. "You know, the plump one that smokes and drinks a lot, the funny one". I cringed - she could have been describing me. I asked my friends to be brutally honest and tell me how they describe me. It was the person that I least expected to say something nice that said "Beautiful, inside and out. Courageous. Confident. Incredibly generous and very funny". I was gobsmacked.

Many drinks later, the boys were talking about how artistic the photo's were in GQ magazine. All I could see was naked air-brushed women with fake breasts - yes, they were beautiful, but I wouldn't call it art. An argument erupted and no matter what the girls said, the boys could not understand. It was at this point I stripped off down to my nickers and lay on the dining room table in a seductive pose and asked them " Is this art?" Once everyone had got over the shock, my friend asked if he could photograph me. With a little help from the girls i was put into positions while he took photos. it was the most liberating thing I have ever done.

Kas text me on the Sunday afternoon. He suggested Chinese take-out, and there was part of me that was unsure as to whether we were crossing the line between "friend with benefit" and something else. It took me over 3 hours to get ready. Shaving, waxing, scrubbing; nails, moisturising, make-up; blow-drying straightening and styling. At 7pm I am nearly ready when he asks if I can come over earlier as he is hungry (cue jokes). I look at my bronzed and polished body in the mirror and tell myself "I am a sex goddess" to boost my confidence. I only wish to hear him say it, and then I might just believe it.

The food and the conversation are brilliant. I love being around Kas - I know I've said it before but he makes me laugh - he is interested and interesting, and I feel so confident around him. I excuse myself to the bathroom and while I'm there, I slip into a sexy baby-doll number and strut down the stairs. As I meet his eyes, my confidence vanishes and I practically run to sit next to him on the sofa. He tells me I'm fun and he kisses me like he wants me. I feel a new found confidence and feel like I'm slightly more in control this time. I tell him what I want and how I want it, and the sex is good.

Surprisingly though, the sex the following morning is even better. He's already done half an hours work and I've listened to him get assertive, which is a huge turn on. He comes to cuddle me as he brings me a mug of coffee and I don't think I've ever wanted to have sex as much as I did at that point. Passionate, hard and fast - 15 minutes later and he is back to work.

I know I'm not going to see Kas for nearly three weeks. I know I'm not supposed to feel anything, but the truth is I love being around him. He makes me want to be a better person and gives me confidence. I just hope that he wants to see me when he gets back - not because I beg him to see me, but because he desires me.