Get it all out

As I lay in the bath my mothers words hit me. "Darling you seemed so depressed and fed up. What is it?" I was at Robs when I took the call yesterday. She was wittering on about some pub she had been to and talking about the family. sometimes I just like to sit and listen - I enjoy my mums random monologues and the view of Rob on the sofa opposite me as we lazed around on a Sunday afternoon was comforting. I hadn't realised that my tone had seemed sad. She had asked me if Rob and I had talked about my move and the new job and where all my worldly possessions were going to live. I knew I couldn't possibly have that conversation with him yet. It was only today when she called, knowing I would be home alone, that I realised for the first time that my world was about to be turned completely upside-down and I was shit scared.

Rob and I have been together nearly a year. We've been to 5 weddings, various weekends away and a holiday to Sicily. I love him and he loves me. Its not perfect, I know I do things that bother him and he does things that bother me, but we love each other, and that's enough, right?

I didn't chase my dream job 8 months ago, but when another opportunity came up closer to home, I had to take it. It was a long shot, but somehow it happened and in less than two months time I will be starting the second job of my career. Rob bought a place nearly 5 months ago, but he doesn't want me to move in. It breaks my heart, so I'm moving to the city where my new career awaits. Moving house again depresses me beyond belief, and the financial worry is suffocating Its only 25 mins away on the train, but I know the distance is going to put pressure on our relationship. 

As I lay in the bath, distant memories come flooding back. New job. House move. Financial problems. Insecure in my relationship. Do these things ever get any easier? I fight back the tears. My back hurts; I know the tension that is following me around sits between every disk in my back. I wish I could talk to Rob, but I can't; I'm too scared that my honesty will be misinterpreted and he has no idea how scared I am or how worried about my poor financial position and how the hell I'm going to afford moving house. I thought having a boyfriend was about sharing the hard times, but I just don't think Rob and I are ready for it yet.

Writing on here has always been my outpost, a place to be honest, where the tears can roll and I am not judged or misread. Where others can take comfort that even the most confident of women, like me, have a good rant and a cry every now and then. I stopped blogging because I thought I didn't need it, that I was lucky enough to have a roof over my head, a boyfriend who loved me, a job, success. But even the strongest of women need to get it all out, me included.