There's something about a wedding that gets everyone feeling romantic. The idea that two people cannot imagine life without it each other that they commit themselves to the other for the rest of their lives. That they are so in love that they want to say "I do".
For most women (but not all), your wedding day is the day you dream about all your life. As a girl its about the fairytale dress and prince charming. As a woman its about being in love and the security of having someone to share everything with for the rest of your life. For me, your wedding day is about celebrating your future with all your loved ones; the start of a new life with someone that you cannot be without.
Rob and I have 6 weddings to attend this year. Most importantly for me, its my sister that is get married. I'm doing a reading at the wedding, and looking through the thousands of verses I can choose from, I'm feeling like a desperate romantic.
You see, I look at the people around me and their views on marriage. I have a friend who fundamentally disagrees with it, she doesn't see the point. I have another friend who has recently tied the knot because of the legal implications as its not readily accepted in the UK that people that cohabit without marriage for their entire lives have no legal tie to their partner. I have another that owns a house with her other half and has made it more than clear that she wants to marry - 6 years on and he is still a commitment-phobe. It is not my place to judge these people - in modern day society, marriage is ultimately not what it used to be. For me, I am completely clear in my mind as to what I want and how it should work. Admittedly the goal posts have changed over the years as I've got older, but I never imagined not being married by 30- which is unlikely now!
Looking at all these vows I couldn't help but think about me and Rob. We are in our 5th month of dating. He makes my heart melt a hundred times a day, and I cannot imagine my life without him. He was away last week, and I made the mistake of pushing him on his feelings. It wasn't without reason - I saw my dream job come up and was half tempted to apply, but I needed to know how he felt, because if we were as serious as I thought we were, then I had to stay here and follow my heart instead of my career. To cut a long story short, I had misread the signs. He isn't in love with me. I can't even begin to tell you how much that hurt and promptly regretted that I had said anything.
I've potentially done more damage in hinting at him loving me than I initially imagined. How is he ever going to say it to me now? I've probably put pressure on him and I can't get my head around that I had clearly been so badly mistaken in how he feels about me. The thing is, I'm all out- there is nothing more I can do to make him fall in love with me, so I guess its just time. Him not loving me has made me feel more insecure than ever and rather than being excited about the future I'm scared. Its amazing how a couple of texts can turn your world up-side-down in a matter of seconds. I am helpless in changing what is done, and I can't make him love me, so for now, time will have to tell.
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