Falling

The night before flying I felt panicked, nervous and my heart was racing. I'd not suffered a panic attack in years, but the stress of going away really got to me. Rob was amazing - calm, organised and can think of everything. He helped me pack and then took me for a curry. The next morning he took me to the airport. Like me, he prefers to be early. We had coffee and hugging him before I went through security nearly brought a tear to my eye. He would have hated it if I'd cried, but the only way I could describe the emotion was it felt like I was never going to see him again.

Being in the departure lounge and the 8 hour flight left me with too much thinking time. My heart was aching in a way that I couldn't explain; it was a long way from home and a long time before I would see him. We had had sex that morning for the first time in a while and it didn't just feel like "pleasure" sex, it was emotive and brought a new feeling that I couldn't put my finger on.

On arrival at the hotel, I was sent to a room far from the rest of my group - on entering the room i realised I had been upgraded, and on the table was a huge bunch of autumnal flowers. They were beautiful. I had to call him - i knew it was late because of the time difference but my heart literally melted when I spoke to him. It was brief - I thanked him for the room and flowers, for keeping me together the night before and for getting me to the airport. He said he missed me and we said goodnight.

And then it dawned on me. The look in his eyes while we had sex, the kiss he gave me before I went through to departures, the amazingly thoughtful and sweet surprise at the hotel after a very long day, the time to collect my thoughts on the flight. It all fell into place and I realised all those funny feelings were me falling in love with Rob.

The week was long and tough and challenging, I missed Rob more than words could express and I couldn't wait to get home and tell him how I felt; to kiss him and show him that I saw a future with him and it was bloody good.

I arrived at T5. I wasn't sure how it was going to be - I knew I looked tired and rough, but in my head I had hoped for the movie-style romantic run and passionate kiss scenario. I came through the gate and I couldn't see him. I said goodbye to my colleagues and called him, only to see him standing there grinning with two cups from the coffee shop. It could not have been more perfect. He looked beautiful- I know that's not a masculine word but handsome just doesn't cut it.

Rob had planned a lovely relaxing day to help put me back on UK time and it gave me some me time too. We went home first so I could shower and as soon as I walked back in the room he had me in bed and we had the most amazing passionate sex. That look was in his eyes and I though the might tell me he loved me, but he didn't. I had decided on the flight back that I couldn't be the first to say it. I couldn't bare the thought of me telling him i loved him and him not being able to say it back, or worse still, him saying "I love you too" and not actually meaning it.

As the day went on, my jet-lag was making me grouchy and I knew I wasn't making sense. Rob came back in the evening, but the tiredness was making me paranoid and insecure. I needed the reassurance that he still thought the world of me, that he still fancied me, that he had missed me. He'd said it all in texts, but i needed it from him. When I tried to talk to him about it i think he thought I was just delusional, and he seemed frustrated that I need him to say it.

3 years ago to the day this blog started with a guy called Dave. He dumped me 2 days before my birthday, having just met my family. He had told me several times that he had loved me, which made it even more painful when he suddenly walked out of my life. Being with Rob has made me realise what a horrible guy he was, and that I definitely was not in love with him, it was just lust.

I stupidly arranged to meet for Sunday dinner with my parents today. Rob had briefly met my mum, but this was both my parents. It made me panic and brought a stark reminder of what happened 3 years ago. As we were leaving I wanted to cancel it - go on my own. The panic was unbearable, but I couldn't do it to Rob- I cared too much about him and he wouldn't have understood why. So I had to just go with it, but I did ask him to promise me he wouldn't dump me next week. He promised, and I trust him.

It went so well - my parents thought he was wonderful: confident, funny, and would fit in well with our family. They loved him for what he had done for me in the states, and my mum said that my dad said he had not seen me so happy for many years. I felt so proud of Rob and he seemed to genuinely enjoy himself. I fell for him a little bit more, and I just hope that he is falling for me too.