Does confidence equal good sex?

There is something about being on holiday and walking around semi-naked the whole time that makes you think about sex...a lot. I managed to refrain from texting Kas until the the Wednesday, and the cocktails reminded me to check in with him. We arranged to meet on the Sunday evening.

Being on holiday with 5 beautiful people when you're a curvy girl isn't easy. The second night i stayed up drinking with the girls. We talked for 3 hrs constantly and got through four bottles of wine. At one point I broke down - despite my apparent confidence, inside of me I wanted to be someone different. Thinner, smaller, more intelligent, less gobby. A non smoker. More reserved.

Despite my hangover, I got up at 7.30 am and did 100 lengths of the pool (to be fair, it was only 8m long). I then did 50 sit-ups and used water bottles as weights. All i could think about was how I wanted a man to desire me, and that the only way for that to happen was for me to change.

The rest of the holiday followed a similar pattern, and despite the copious amounts of alcohol and food, I was feeling thinner and more confident in just 5 days. The final night we were sat in a swanky restaurant and one of the girls was describing one of her work colleagues. "You know, the plump one that smokes and drinks a lot, the funny one". I cringed - she could have been describing me. I asked my friends to be brutally honest and tell me how they describe me. It was the person that I least expected to say something nice that said "Beautiful, inside and out. Courageous. Confident. Incredibly generous and very funny". I was gobsmacked.

Many drinks later, the boys were talking about how artistic the photo's were in GQ magazine. All I could see was naked air-brushed women with fake breasts - yes, they were beautiful, but I wouldn't call it art. An argument erupted and no matter what the girls said, the boys could not understand. It was at this point I stripped off down to my nickers and lay on the dining room table in a seductive pose and asked them " Is this art?" Once everyone had got over the shock, my friend asked if he could photograph me. With a little help from the girls i was put into positions while he took photos. it was the most liberating thing I have ever done.

Kas text me on the Sunday afternoon. He suggested Chinese take-out, and there was part of me that was unsure as to whether we were crossing the line between "friend with benefit" and something else. It took me over 3 hours to get ready. Shaving, waxing, scrubbing; nails, moisturising, make-up; blow-drying straightening and styling. At 7pm I am nearly ready when he asks if I can come over earlier as he is hungry (cue jokes). I look at my bronzed and polished body in the mirror and tell myself "I am a sex goddess" to boost my confidence. I only wish to hear him say it, and then I might just believe it.

The food and the conversation are brilliant. I love being around Kas - I know I've said it before but he makes me laugh - he is interested and interesting, and I feel so confident around him. I excuse myself to the bathroom and while I'm there, I slip into a sexy baby-doll number and strut down the stairs. As I meet his eyes, my confidence vanishes and I practically run to sit next to him on the sofa. He tells me I'm fun and he kisses me like he wants me. I feel a new found confidence and feel like I'm slightly more in control this time. I tell him what I want and how I want it, and the sex is good.

Surprisingly though, the sex the following morning is even better. He's already done half an hours work and I've listened to him get assertive, which is a huge turn on. He comes to cuddle me as he brings me a mug of coffee and I don't think I've ever wanted to have sex as much as I did at that point. Passionate, hard and fast - 15 minutes later and he is back to work.

I know I'm not going to see Kas for nearly three weeks. I know I'm not supposed to feel anything, but the truth is I love being around him. He makes me want to be a better person and gives me confidence. I just hope that he wants to see me when he gets back - not because I beg him to see me, but because he desires me.