Honesty

When I had my first breakdown last October and was diagnosed with depression, I made the decision to publish my blog offline, hiding my thoughts as I felt they were too dark to share. I was almost ashamed of the way I was feeling, but sadly, that it was depression does to you.

Today has been a very hard day, but unlike times gone by, I am going to express exactly how I feel right now. I cannot begin to tell you how frustrated I got today because people did not understand me. The feeling inside made me want to explode and scream "Why can't you just try and understand how I feel?". Instead, the tears started falling. I fought them off for a while until someone was unnecessarily rude to me, then I broke down. I had to leave work. I got home, went to the kitchen and stocked up on bottles of water and food and have now barricaded myself in my room in hope that I will not have to speak to anyone for a while.

The tears keep coming, so I try and call my lifeline, that helped me through the breakdown last year, who pretty much saved my life. Ant is a colleague and has become my dearest friend, one of the only people on this planet that I can trust. He does not answer. I close the blinds so it is dark and I cannot see my tears in the large mirror that consumes the wall of my room.

I am shaking, crying, and feel hot. My back spasms with pain, the place where my stress hits first. My head feels ready to explode with frustration and sadness. My heart feels like it wants to stop beating and give up. I have not felt this way for sometime. The sobbing is making my head hurt and i've cried so hard i've made myself sick. I feel broken and like I can never be fixed, that nobody can help me. I feel desperately alone, so many dear and good friends, but nobody that can hold me and love me and help me through the night when the nightmares come.

I feel lost, empty and sad, and would do anything to be asleep and for today to be over.