Awaking from the dream

Today is my first day in a very long time where I have nothing to worry about but me - I don't have to get dressed or do my hair, or even step outside the comfort of my cozy flat.

I can feel his arms wrapped tightly around me, the warmth of his body and the comfort of his skin against mine. I roll over to look at him and realise it is just a dream - my bed is empty and there is sunlight coming through the gap in the curtains. I lie alone, thinking about him. Thinking what if. Wishing for the dream to come true. Realising I am powerless and that it will only ever happen on his terms...

I decide to get up, its 10am and there is no point in wasting this beautiful opportunity of a true lazy day. I jump in the shower, brushing my teeth as I go. I think of what I am going to wear today. Pajamas. I make tea and toast - its such a novelty to eat breakfast. I live on coffee - so the time to enjoy tea is certainly a rarity. I roll my self a small cigarette and gaze out of the window as I take a drag. I know how bad it is, but I love that feeling of calm.

I can see the mountain of washing that needs my urgent attention, and the empty wine bottle that remains next to the sofa. I look blankly at it all.

My pet hamster, Belle, wakes up and looks at me. I know she is confused that I am here during daylight and that I am invading her time in the flat alone. She holds onto the bars and looks out at me. She can see the tear rolling down my cheek. How is it that pets know when they are needed? I pick her up and hold her in one hand. She sits patiently and listens to what I have to say. Normally she would be running away as quick as she can, but today, she knows I need a friend. I put her in her ball so she can go and run around the flat. She has done her job - but she keeps rolling back to me to check I am OK.

I cannot work out why I am crying. Maybe for the first time in months I actually have to spend some time alone - and with that comes the time to think and reflect. The tears keep coming.

My answer to that is the eighties. I switch my stereo on, put in my "best 100 songs from the 80's", and turn it up. I have a new found energy for that housework, and maybe, just for one more day, I can avoid thinking too much and reflecting and what has been.

God bless Debbie Harry.